The Tip of Exhaustion

You know, there’s nothing quite like the exhaustion that comes from a significant need for sleep, but the additional knowledge that you cannot have it …. because if you go to sleep, Helen or Alice might get into something they’re not supposed to get into.

And they’re awake.

Happily, bouncingly awake.

Wondering why you’re not so jubilantly moving through life right now, not wanting to join in their merriment. All I can think about is how sleepy I am, and how I cannot have the sleep I need. Because they’re awake.

If that doesn’t seed resentment, I don’t know what does.


And next week is only going to be worse, as we go into tech week for the production of Sweeney Todd, and the draws on my physical and mental strength are even more significant. I don’t get to sleep like a normal person until July, probably, when I have had enough time to sufficiently come down from the production.

These are the times when I remember why I stopped doing theatre in the first place. Because I hate this fatigue. And it’s worse this time — I have little kids, and one that is particularly dangerous when allowed the run of the house while I sleep, and the role I’m playing is such a departure from my personality that I’m really struggling with it. The directors are being very patient, but I know that they’re worried. I don’t blame them. I’d be worried, too. I hope I can overcome my self-doubt, my malaise, in time for opening night. The costume will help, but that’s only part of it. I need to just let go of my need for propriety and just go for it. But it’s just so difficult.

And I’m just so tired.